This year has been horrendous for us on many levels. Work has really slowed down to a crawl, which has had a negative effect on our finances. To put it simply, we're REALLY struggling with money right now! I'm just waiting for tax-time to get here to right the ship, get us in the black again. I feel much more withdrawn because of this, not wanting to socialize much, declining invitations to go out with friends, etc. We can't afford to live as we were before, and i guess that's not such a bad thing. It's teaching us to be more aware of our finances, think a bit before we buy. We're in the same boat as millions of other American's, just trying to tread water until the flood subsides.
I can live with the money situation to a point, but it's really negatively affecting the relationship I have with my wife. i snap at her a lot more about money, feeling a bit of mistrust when it comes to what she does with her money. And I have no proof she's just out there, blowing it on whatever she pleases. I just know I'm struggling to pay the bills "we" racked up, and not feeling like I get any help with this. It bothers me more than I can share with her for some reason; we can't discuss money without it turning into a major argument that I usually start. That's what kills me the most, making her feel like I'm berating her no good reason. She does everything for me. Cooks, shops, cleans, whatever I need she handles it. I couldn't ask for anything more, she just knows how to deal with me.
Feeling unhappy when you share a life with someone is the worst feeling imaginable. I'm not unhappy with her in the least, just unhappy with life in general right now. The more it sink's in, the more irritable I get. The stupidest things set me off right now, and trying to bite my tongue in certain company is getting next to impossible these days. The feeling of wanting to just beat the shit out of somebody because I feel they don't understand the difference between sarcasm, and sarcastic humor is terrible. I'm usually a pretty quiet and laid-back person, an observer more than a participant. I like to people watch; try to figure them out. Even that irritates me right now.
Work is another frustration for me. I feel like I'm completely wasting my ability and expertise in this job, but it is a job, and I'm thankful to have one considering what others are going through these days. I just can't imagine owning my own business, and running it in this manner. No direction and leadership, no plan of attack. Managers who have no business being responsible for anything, let alone a department that generates over a million in sales every year. So I'm taking it upon myself come the new year, to make my own situation better. I do pretty much whatever I like as it is, and have the freedom to make deals with customers in any manner I choose. So I'm choosing to get out once a week from here on out, do a little schmoozing, wheeling and dealing so to speak, to make my situation better. No more waiting for a game plan. I have my own to put in place. Time to make good things happen for myself and my wife. No more waiting for that leadership that will never come. I'll lead myself to prosperity in spite of the lack of support from on high.
2011 was a total loser for so many of us; here's to making 2012 a year to remember. Oh, and one more thing, if you see me coming, and it seems I'm looking right through you, get the fuck out of the way, because I am. Your standing in the way of my objective, and I WILL run you over to reach it!
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